1
00:00:00,060 --> 00:00:01,990
Subtitles by Chris Fischer
Edited by Ross Scott

2
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Dave, I shouldn't even have to explain this.

3
00:00:20,710 --> 00:00:23,260
We're uniformed officers on duty.

4
00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,880
That means dumpster diving is not cool.

5
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In FACT, it wouldn't be cool
even if we were OFF duty.

6
00:00:30,190 --> 00:00:31,740
SO GET OUTTA THERE!

7
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,650
Hold on, I've almost got it!

8
00:00:34,110 --> 00:00:36,500
Just hurry up before anyone sees you.

9
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Got it!

10
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Got what?

11
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You'll see!

12
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,010
This better not be a dead cat.

13
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:44,770
Better!

14
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[sighs]

15
00:01:00,690 --> 00:01:03,310
I'm glad I can't smell
you through this mask.

16
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I found a radio!

17
00:01:05,110 --> 00:01:06,390
Hey, really?

18
00:01:06,390 --> 00:01:07,270
Does it work?

19
00:01:07,270 --> 00:01:09,150
I think so, I got the power to come on.

20
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,550
Well let's hear it!

21
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[Radio] Let me remind all citizens
of the dangers of magical thinking.

22
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Ah, not more of this crap...

23
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[radio voice continues]

24
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Try another station. 
See if you can get some music.

25
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[Radio] Black Mesa East
to station 6.  Do you read?

26
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[Radio] OFFICER DOWN, REQUEST
ALL UNITS, CODE 3 TO MY C-

27
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[static]

28
00:01:31,630 --> 00:01:32,770
Hey, there we go.

29
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:35,880
[electronic music]

30
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[music] Fat people not good.

31
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[music] Fat people not good.

32
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[pig squealing]

33
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[music] Fat people not good.

34
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:40,360
What the-

35
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[music] Fat people not, not good.

36
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:46,320
Are they saying... "Fat people... not good"?

37
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[music] Fat people not good.

38
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,000
[music] Fat people not good.

39
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[music] Fat people not good.

40
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Ok turn it off. This is just weird.

41
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[music] Fat people not good.

42
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[music] Fat people not good. Fat people-

43
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Well that was a disappointment.

44
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Yeah...

45
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:03,110
Man, radio kinda sucks now
that the aliens have taken over.

46
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:04,710
You mean... the Combine.

47
00:02:05,070 --> 00:02:08,240
No... the OTHER aliens that took over
the Earth

48
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and conquered the human race.

49
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,990
Come on, it's not like the Combine
are the only aliens here now.

50
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,170
Yeah,

51
00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:18,970
but how many alien races
have taken over THE EARTH?

52
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:19,670
Uh...

53
00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:22,350
Heidy-ho!  Kermit dee Frog here!

54
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,190
Today's Sesame Street on alien invasions

55
00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:27,670
is brought to you by the number "one"

56
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,570
Mike quit being a smartass!

57
00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:31,830
If you meant the Combine,
why didn't you just say:

58
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"the Combine"?

59
00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:34,740
Because it's a stupid name.

60
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I mean it's a verb for crying out loud!

61
00:02:37,470 --> 00:02:41,080
Aliens aren't verbs, they're nouns!

62
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,290
Actually I think it's also the name
for some kind of farm equipment.

63
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Like a thresher or something.

64
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That's even worse!

65
00:02:47,450 --> 00:02:50,070
Now we have a word that can mean to mix things together,

66
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,620
a piece of farm equipment,

67
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and lets see... oh yeah that's right.

68
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It can also mean the most advanced
form of life in the known universe.

69
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:57,780
So?

70
00:02:58,380 --> 00:02:59,060
SO?

71
00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:01,090
Come on man!

72
00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,880
They're ALIENS!

73
00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:04,870
We didn't even know they EXISTED

74
00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:08,360
until they dropped in to
invade us a few years ago.

75
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,250
I mean their real names
are the Glarksehglor-

76
00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:11,620
Glorkseh...gu-

77
00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:12,990
Something I can't pronounce.

78
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,220
So we're the ones who gave 'em a new name.

79
00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:18,950
And you're telling me "the Combine"
is the best we can come up with?

80
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:20,250
They should have their own names!

81
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:22,830
Like Gargs or Yorps or something.

82
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Yorps?

83
00:03:24,010 --> 00:03:25,540
Well it doesn't have to be that!

84
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,040
It's just off the top of my head.

85
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,100
Hey!  Ooh!  Ah!  Okay, look.

86
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,200
This is a perfect example
of what I'm talking about.

87
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Now we named these aliens RIGHT!

88
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We call them THE VORTIGAUNTS...

89
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,210
Now how cool is that?

90
00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:47,890
Is that cool?

91
00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:49,530
Or is THAT COOL?

92
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I gu-

93
00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:51,010
I think it's cool.

94
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,050
I... guess.

95
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,270
Here, let's ask him.

96
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:55,600
[shouts] HEY BUDDY!

97
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:58,320
YEAH, YOU!

98
00:03:58,630 --> 00:04:00,150
COME OVER HERE A MINUTE!

99
00:04:00,570 --> 00:04:02,230
Aw hell...

100
00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:12,620
[coughs]

101
00:04:12,930 --> 00:04:15,290
I didn't do nuthin' officer.

102
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,240
Huh?

103
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,740
Oh, you're not in trouble.

104
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:19,320
I just have a question for you.

105
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,870
I ain't seen nuthin' neither!

106
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:25,870
Do you think the Combine is
a dumb name for an alien race?

107
00:04:25,870 --> 00:04:27,660
I mean you guys have cool names.

108
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,010
I don't know.

109
00:04:29,550 --> 00:04:32,750
I was just goin' down to
the store to get some beer.

110
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,800
Damn! This early in the morning?

111
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,610
Uhh...

112
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,360
I got an I.D.!

113
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,070
Ah forget it.  Just get outta here.

114
00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:42,970
O-kay officer.

115
00:04:48,930 --> 00:04:51,290
We have TOOTHPASTE that's-

116
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:54,980
[talking fades away]

117
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,590
That was close.

118
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,110
You guys just don't get it.

119
00:04:58,470 --> 00:05:00,540
You're just thinking about it too much.

120
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:04,010
Oh!  And what are you
thinkin' about, SOCRATES?

121
00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:07,320
Well NOW, you got me
thinking about the Combine.

122
00:05:07,550 --> 00:05:10,390
Yeah, and how they need
a better name right?

123
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,280
No!

124
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,590
I mean if we should
really be working for them.

125
00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:14,730
I don't see why not.

126
00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,650
If you can't beat 'em join 'em!

127
00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:19,480
Besides, with our job skills
what's the alternative?

128
00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:21,050
Garbage collector?

129
00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:23,260
Well, we could always join the rebels.

130
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:26,130
Oh please. The rebels are idiots.

131
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,540
What makes you say that?

132
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,110
Because they're all heart and no brain.

133
00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:31,670
If you look at the big picture,

134
00:05:31,670 --> 00:05:35,040
they may as well be fighting
the aliens with Nerfball guns.

135
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:36,950
Oh it can't be that bad.

136
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:39,750
They wouldn't be fighting if they
didn't think they had a chance.

137
00:05:40,070 --> 00:05:41,990
I understand where they're coming from.

138
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:44,590
Nobody's holding hands and
singing "Joy to The World"

139
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:47,570
since the aliens showed
up and KICKED OUR ASS.

140
00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:49,080
But let's look at the facts.

141
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,240
The aliens conquered
us in a matter of HOURS.

142
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:54,140
The ENTIRE PLANET.

143
00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:56,630
Isn't that what we
call the invasion now,

144
00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:57,830
The Seven Hour War?

145
00:05:58,180 --> 00:05:59,070
You know why?

146
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,410
Because it lasted seven-

147
00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:02,320
Because it lasted seven hours!

148
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,340
That's why!

149
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:05,980
Most people are at work longer than that.

150
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:08,320
That means that in
less time than it takes

151
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,960
for Joe Average to clock in
and clock out at the office...

152
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,400
the aliens conquered the whole Earth,

153
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,770
whereas all Joe did was
make some spreadsheets.

154
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,900
Well that's because
they caught us off guard.

155
00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:20,370
Okay, let's say we were READY for them.

156
00:06:20,370 --> 00:06:21,310
Then what?

157
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:23,290
We'd call it "The 10 Hour War"?

158
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,780
They tore into us like a pack of wolves!

159
00:06:26,030 --> 00:06:27,990
The rebels just aren't
doing the math on this.

160
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,160
Look, who has more fighters?

161
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,090
The rebels or the aliens?

162
00:06:32,090 --> 00:06:33,230
The aliens.

163
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,240
Who has more resources?

164
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,800
The aliens.

165
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,240
Who has WAY better technology?

166
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,690
Yeah, I see your point.

167
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:45,410
Hey, I got a stupid question.

168
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:45,930
What's that?

169
00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:48,480
What do the Combine look like anyway?

170
00:06:48,610 --> 00:06:50,800
You know, I'm not sure either.

171
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,290
That's how good they are.

172
00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:55,520
It's not like they showed up
THEMSELVES to conquer the Earth.

173
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:56,060
No.

174
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,420
They were kickin' it
back at their homeworld,

175
00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:00,470
sippin' alien martinis.

176
00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:02,650
While they sent ANOTHER alien race

177
00:07:02,650 --> 00:07:04,530
they had ALREADY CONQUERED,

178
00:07:04,530 --> 00:07:07,820
to come conquer us FOR THEM.

179
00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:09,880
Now that's just slick.

180
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,640
Wow, and now we're working for them.

181
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,690
Yeah.  It's the pyramid scheme from Hell.

182
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:18,620
So, you still wanna join the rebels?

183
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:19,970
Maybe not.

184
00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:21,890
You're making them sound stupid.

185
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:22,980
Yeah, well...

186
00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:25,090
I think cows are stupid too.

187
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,130
But does that make them stupid?

188
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:28,120
Yeah, wait a minute...

189
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:28,820
What???

190
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:29,800
Forget it.

191
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,120
Just think about things
before you go and-

192
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:31,980
Hey.

193
00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:32,780
Check it out.

194
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:33,240
What?

195
00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:34,630
Another pigeon.

196
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:35,780
Sweet.

197
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:36,970
It's my turn isn't it?

198
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,170
Yeah, think so.

199
00:07:38,170 --> 00:07:39,300
You see anybody coming?

200
00:07:39,470 --> 00:07:40,530
Nah, think you're good.

201
00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:42,570
Okay, pigeon.

202
00:07:43,770 --> 00:07:45,200
You're mine.

203
00:07:45,730 --> 00:07:47,750
Ready, aim...

204
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:48,760
Oh my God look out!

205
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:48,740
Ahh!

206
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,080
You ASS!

207
00:07:53,230 --> 00:07:54,450
Ha ha, you suck.

208
00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:56,320
Here, let me show you how it's done.

209
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,120
Damn!

210
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:04,330
How'd you get to be such a good shot?

211
00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:06,580
Just lots of time down at the range.

212
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,350
I find its easier if you tape
people's faces over the targets.

213
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:12,600
Hell, I've even used
YOURS a couple of times.

214
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,920
I usually blow out the
face of the target though,

215
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:15,580
So...

216
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:18,460
I just bring them home and
draw smiley faces in the gaps,

217
00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:20,440
and use it to decorate my apartment.

218
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,250
Thanks for sharing that, Dave.

219
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:25,260
It's good to know you're not PSYCHO or anything.

220
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:27,880
[Imitates gunshot sounds]

221
00:08:28,170 --> 00:08:29,770
Hey, do you hear that?

222
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,020
Yeah.  That's me, silly.

223
00:08:31,290 --> 00:08:33,100
No... that deeper sound.

224
00:08:44,810 --> 00:08:48,220
[Whale-like howling sound]

225
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:49,170
I uh...

226
00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:50,880
think we've got a problem.

227
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,630
What do you think it wants?

228
00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:56,270
I... don't know...

229
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,090
Why is it just staring at us?

230
00:09:00,270 --> 00:09:01,390
I don't know either.

231
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:03,790
Hehe.  Hey, I dare you to shoot it.

232
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,260
No I'm not gonna shoot it!

233
00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:07,090
Chicken!

234
00:09:07,090 --> 00:09:08,150
bok bok bok bok

235
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:09,350
ba-kok!

236
00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:12,690
[LOUD GROWL]

237
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,560
Hey Dave, here's a better idea:

238
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,660
How about YOU shoot it
and I'll run away and hide!

239
00:09:18,990 --> 00:09:19,900
Bok, ba-kok!

240
00:09:23,370 --> 00:09:25,350
Maybe we shouldn't have shot the pigeon.

241
00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:27,250
Excuse me,

242
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,910
"I" shot the pigeon.

243
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:32,540
YOU shot up those windows
over there you lunatic.

244
00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:34,470
I wouldn't if you hadn't scared me!

245
00:09:34,730 --> 00:09:36,030
Oh quit complaining.

246
00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:38,180
This thing is probably
gonna to kill you anyway.

247
00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:41,210
Hey, if it kills me it's gonna kill you too!

248
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:44,100
I don't know why you
sound so calm about this!

249
00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:45,510
Of course it won't!

250
00:09:45,970 --> 00:09:46,520
Big...

251
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,660
alien...

252
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,050
robot...

253
00:09:49,050 --> 00:09:49,950
things...

254
00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:50,600
love me.

255
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:51,770
I mean look at him.

256
00:09:51,770 --> 00:09:53,260
He's just a big friendly guy!

257
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,520
Dave this isn't a stray dog.

258
00:09:55,790 --> 00:09:57,600
I shall call you Simba.

259
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,470
[whistles theme from Close
Encounters of The 3rd Kind]

260
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:01,770
What's that?

261
00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:03,350
An alien greeting.

262
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:04,720
Wait...

263
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:05,860
no its not!

264
00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,420
That's from a movie!

265
00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:09,120
That's not gonna help us!

266
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,640
Of course it will!

267
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,320
Simba understands what I'm saying.

268
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:13,780
Isn't that right Simba?

269
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:16,390
Watch.

270
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:18,790
[whistles]

271
00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:22,300
Alright.

272
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,600
I'm gonna start walking away slowly.

273
00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:27,280
If you want to do your
snake charming routine there,

274
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:28,740
knock yourself out.

275
00:10:33,140 --> 00:10:34,430
[pavement breaking]

276
00:10:34,330 --> 00:10:35,660
Okay, maybe not.

277
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,010
[Whistles]

278
00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:38,990
[Finishes last two notes of theme]

279
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:38,560
Ha ha!

280
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:38,880
HEY LOOK OUT

281
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,400
IT'S GONNA-

282
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,660
WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

283
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:43,540
Oops.

284
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,280
[shouting] MIKE, YOU OKAY?

285
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,460
Now that wasn't very nice.

286
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:50,700
Bad Simba!

287
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,950
[moaning sound]

288
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:54,320
[shouting] MIIIKE?

289
00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:57,990
[strained voice] DAVE!

290
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,000
[shouting] YEAH?

291
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,160
YOU'RE DEAD

292
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,550
AS SOON AS I CAN WALK AGAIN!

293
00:11:03,690 --> 00:11:05,540
["Simba" repeats last two notes again]

294
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,780
Quiet, Simba.