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Subtitles by Janet Brotherton
Edited by Ross Scott

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What?! What's going on?! I feel... I feel weird.

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I don't trust these Doritos. I think I've got bad nachos.

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How does this happen? There should be enough preservatives in these things to mummify a small dog!

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I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell them I've got bad nachos...

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...and the building's being attacked by aliens.

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Ah, I'll just stick with nachos.

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Man, I'm getting déjà vu. Where am I going?

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Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out of the window.

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I guess that means I have to take the elevator.

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I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR!

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Goddamnit... THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU HAVE STAIRS!

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STAIRS WITHOUT TURRET GUNS!

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Now why is there no ladder here?

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The other shaft had a ladder here. It was progressive!

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Well there's a ladder on the other side...

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Oh, it's some sort of new-age "chutes-and-ladders" design.

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So my only way out of here is to take some flying leap of faith, like that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,"

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then claw like a mad cat, and HOPE LIKE HELL I get a grip AND don't break my ribs!

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Once again, I need a grappling hook!

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I can't believe this! Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator!

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How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work. Who thought this one up?! JESUS CHRIST!

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I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not,

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but, you know, I'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.

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*Ooagh!*

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Ohhh my God! That was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things? Oh my god…oh…

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I could have DIED!

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-Scientist:    I… I can't hold on….much longer!

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Oh cry me a river! I just jumped across an elevator shaft onto a ladder, and I'm still here!

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Do I look like Spiderman to you? NO!

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If I was Spiderman, I could do that web-flinging crap and have been out of here hours ago!

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The point is, you can learn how to do a pull-up.

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Although, I'll admit these ledges suck. I don't understand how-

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WHOA! You might wanna…..

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-Scientist:  AAAAHHHHH!!!

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Never mind.

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But yeah. I don't understand why these ledges are so damn small. There's like JUST enough room to inch along here.

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These things are designed for Oompa Loompas.

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I'd bet that how managements thinks the elevators run-

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a bunch of Oompa Loompas inside the shaft singing while they move ropes and pulleys.

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*whistles " Oopma Loompa" tune*

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*tune dies*

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What the hell, what the hell, what the hell...

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These ledges don't even reach the floor the elevator's stopped on. What's the point of even having them?

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And why are they sloped downwards? As the professor showed us, it's easy enough to die without the extra help.

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Like this!

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Ahh, thank you for not collapsing.

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Though I can't say I was too worried about that

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seeing as how the other guy was doing a flexed arm hang here for at least five minutes.

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What was he doing there?

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Is anyone hiding up there?

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No.

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Well,

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Ah, too bad nobody's inside. I bet I would have scared the CRAP out of them.

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Okay, this door better open or else I'm gonna kill somebody.

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Alright! Now nobody needs to die unless I think of another reason.

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Oh... I like this solid hallway with no ledges.

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You know, I think I just don't feel like climbing anymore.

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-Scientist:  For God's sake open the silo door! They're coming for us! It's our only way out!
-What's going on?

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-Scientist:  Oh my god, we're doomed!
- YEAH! Kick his ass! No you're going it wrong!

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*Explosion*
Huh?

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*Guard screams**Gun shots*
YEAH! Shoot it!

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*Guard dies*
Awww. You people never fail to disappoint me.

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Why was that guy screaming about the silo door? It's closed.

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Well, that shotgun's mine.

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Oh COME ON! There's extra ammo there and everything!

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Well, I guess out of the whole facility, the security station is the one place that should have bullet proof glass;

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but still, I could argue that I have more need for a shotgun now than any other time in my life.

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Though, it wouldn't be the first time I've said that.

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Why is this guy dead? He wasn't dead a minute ago.

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He was screaming about silo doors like a possessed farmer.

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Did the laser kill him? Are these death lasers? They can't be that potent- his body's not on fire.

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I'm gonna touch it. *laser chirp*

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Well, that didn't hurt. What's going on?

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*turret fire*

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Ahh, ahh! Of course, a machine gun turret. Silly me! I forget how we need these things.

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*turret fire*

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Yep. Somewhere, some manager's feeling like less of a man unless he buys more turret guns.

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*turret fire*

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OW! I can't even see what I'm shooting at!

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*turret fire*

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OW! Shit! Fuck! This is worse than paintball!

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Oh, great timing!

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*turret fire*

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Huh. Well, at least it's non-discriminatory at what is shoots at;

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all the more reason NOT TO HAVE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

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Oh and what's this? A dead soldier!

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This is exactly what I said was going to happen! Dead rescue teams!

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*Turret death*

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That'll teach you to beep at me! I break alarm clocks; I can break you, too.

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So what's the story on this guy?

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Yep. Deader than a dead…dead guy.

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Is that an MP5? It is! Ohhhh!

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Now I can solve up to 800 problems a minute!

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A submachine gun- it's not just for party tricks.

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ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE

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Ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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That's right; short, controlled bursts. The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.

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You know, it's a marvel of science, but this random teleportation thing is getting old real fast.

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Jesus Christ! Just keep them coming, why don't ya?

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Now what is this?

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I'm not sure, but I'm finding that crossing these lasers doesn't lead to anything good.

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And another! I can limbo this.

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I thought I shouldn't be able to see the laser beam- it had to be smoky or something.

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Hmm… Oh goody! Another dead guy. I'd better conserve on the MP5.

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Come on!

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Uuuugh! Fucker!

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Intercom: Turret maintenance team to center command

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Ah, Ha ha- HEY!

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I think that intercom said "turret maintenance to center command."

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Ya, I bet they have a few questions to answer. Like why are our turret guns killing off everyone in the building?

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Man, they knew what they were doing when they built this suit.

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I must have taken a dozen bullets and it hasn't even punctured it! I'm REALLY wishing I found that helmet.

114
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Okay, let's NOT trip this laser.

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No, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

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Stay on your side of the line!

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My roommate in college used to do the SAME THING. If I had a gun then I'd

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*teleporting in*
What did I just say?!

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Huh?!

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That's right, stay on your side.

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Your side is the one where everyone is dead and there are no exits.

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My side is the one filled with hope, love, and submachine guns.

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And cargo hooks.

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Alright, is anyone looking?   Okay, here we go.

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*Tarzan yell*

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Oh come on! Why'd you have to spoil the moment?!  URG!

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YOU GUYS HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR ART!

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CRITIC!

129
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You know, we're the ones who invented teleporters...I think

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the least you could do is show a little appreciation around here!

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I'd hate to say it, but with all these sentry guns and laser trip wires,

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I can't shake the feeling that I'm going the wrong way again.

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I mean, let's face it, you don't put turret guns in the visitor center, or the labs,

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or any other place you want people to stay alive.

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Isn't that the point of hiring security guards?

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They're smart enough to know not to shoot everyone?

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The crazy thing is, I may have been doing the right thing all along.

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That turret gun must have mowed down that soldier. I would have been waiting for a rescue team that wasn't going to make it.

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Woah! This is slick. It's like there's oil mixed in or something. Uhhh!

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Oh, oh, NICE. Have an empty elevator shaft for me to slide my ass into after hopping over another trip wire. That's great.

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Oh, I see that was just ONE STAGE of trying to kill me.

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-Scientist 1:  Hello there.
-Uh, HI. Little busy here. Don't try to HELP me or anything. Nobody does that.

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-Scientist 1: I'll stay here.
-You do that!

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God, you two are creeping me out! "Come play with us, Gordon….forever, and ever, and ever…."

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-Scientist 2: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
-The donuts….? NO! I've got more important things on my mind.

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Okay, this is weird. I'm gonna need a minute to think about this.

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-Scientist 1:  Fascinating! I never suspected such things could be.
-Quit staring at me!

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Yeah, you!