Subtitles by Janet Brotherton Edited by Ross Scott
What?! What's going on?! I feel... I feel weird.
I don't trust these Doritos. I think I've got bad nachos.
How does this happen? There should be enough preservatives in these things to mummify a small dog!
I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell them I've got bad nachos...
...and the building's being attacked by aliens.
Ah, I'll just stick with nachos.
Man, I'm getting déjà vu. Where am I going?
Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out of the window.
I guess that means I have to take the elevator.
I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR!
Goddamnit... THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU HAVE STAIRS!
STAIRS WITHOUT TURRET GUNS!
Now why is there no ladder here?
The other shaft had a ladder here. It was progressive!
Well there's a ladder on the other side...
Oh, it's some sort of new-age "chutes-and-ladders" design.
So my only way out of here is to take some flying leap of faith, like that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,"
then claw like a mad cat, and HOPE LIKE HELL I get a grip AND don't break my ribs!
Once again, I need a grappling hook!
I can't believe this! Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator!
How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work. Who thought this one up?! JESUS CHRIST!
I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not,
but, you know, I'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
*Ooagh!*
Ohhh my God! That was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things? Oh my god…oh…
I could have DIED!
-Scientist: I… I can't hold on….much longer!
Oh cry me a river! I just jumped across an elevator shaft onto a ladder, and I'm still here!
Do I look like Spiderman to you? NO!
If I was Spiderman, I could do that web-flinging crap and have been out of here hours ago!
The point is, you can learn how to do a pull-up.
Although, I'll admit these ledges suck. I don't understand how-
WHOA! You might wanna…..
-Scientist: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Never mind.
But yeah. I don't understand why these ledges are so damn small. There's like JUST enough room to inch along here.
These things are designed for Oompa Loompas.
I'd bet that how managements thinks the elevators run-
a bunch of Oompa Loompas inside the shaft singing while they move ropes and pulleys.
*whistles " Oopma Loompa" tune*
*tune dies*
What the hell, what the hell, what the hell...
These ledges don't even reach the floor the elevator's stopped on. What's the point of even having them?
And why are they sloped downwards? As the professor showed us, it's easy enough to die without the extra help.
Like this!
Ahh, thank you for not collapsing.
Though I can't say I was too worried about that
seeing as how the other guy was doing a flexed arm hang here for at least five minutes.
What was he doing there?
Is anyone hiding up there?
No.
Well,
Ah, too bad nobody's inside. I bet I would have scared the CRAP out of them.
Okay, this door better open or else I'm gonna kill somebody.
Alright! Now nobody needs to die unless I think of another reason.
Oh... I like this solid hallway with no ledges.
You know, I think I just don't feel like climbing anymore.
-Scientist: For God's sake open the silo door! They're coming for us! It's our only way out! -What's going on?
-Scientist: Oh my god, we're doomed! - YEAH! Kick his ass! No you're going it wrong!
*Explosion* Huh?
*Guard screams**Gun shots* YEAH! Shoot it!
*Guard dies* Awww. You people never fail to disappoint me.
Why was that guy screaming about the silo door? It's closed.
Well, that shotgun's mine.
Oh COME ON! There's extra ammo there and everything!
Well, I guess out of the whole facility, the security station is the one place that should have bullet proof glass;
but still, I could argue that I have more need for a shotgun now than any other time in my life.
Though, it wouldn't be the first time I've said that.
Why is this guy dead? He wasn't dead a minute ago.
He was screaming about silo doors like a possessed farmer.
Did the laser kill him? Are these death lasers? They can't be that potent- his body's not on fire.
I'm gonna touch it. *laser chirp*
Well, that didn't hurt. What's going on?
*turret fire*
Ahh, ahh! Of course, a machine gun turret. Silly me! I forget how we need these things.
*turret fire*
Yep. Somewhere, some manager's feeling like less of a man unless he buys more turret guns.
*turret fire*
OW! I can't even see what I'm shooting at!
*turret fire*
OW! Shit! Fuck! This is worse than paintball!
Oh, great timing!
*turret fire*
Huh. Well, at least it's non-discriminatory at what is shoots at;
all the more reason NOT TO HAVE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Oh and what's this? A dead soldier!
This is exactly what I said was going to happen! Dead rescue teams!
*Turret death*
That'll teach you to beep at me! I break alarm clocks; I can break you, too.
So what's the story on this guy?
Yep. Deader than a dead…dead guy.
Is that an MP5? It is! Ohhhh!
Now I can solve up to 800 problems a minute!
A submachine gun- it's not just for party tricks.
ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE
Ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha.
That's right; short, controlled bursts. The candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.
You know, it's a marvel of science, but this random teleportation thing is getting old real fast.
Jesus Christ! Just keep them coming, why don't ya?
Now what is this?
I'm not sure, but I'm finding that crossing these lasers doesn't lead to anything good.
And another! I can limbo this.
I thought I shouldn't be able to see the laser beam- it had to be smoky or something.
Hmm… Oh goody! Another dead guy. I'd better conserve on the MP5.
Come on!
Uuuugh! Fucker!
Intercom: Turret maintenance team to center command
Ah, Ha ha- HEY!
I think that intercom said "turret maintenance to center command."
Ya, I bet they have a few questions to answer. Like why are our turret guns killing off everyone in the building?
Man, they knew what they were doing when they built this suit.
I must have taken a dozen bullets and it hasn't even punctured it! I'm REALLY wishing I found that helmet.
Okay, let's NOT trip this laser.
No, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Stay on your side of the line!
My roommate in college used to do the SAME THING. If I had a gun then I'd
*teleporting in* What did I just say?!
Huh?!
That's right, stay on your side.
Your side is the one where everyone is dead and there are no exits.
My side is the one filled with hope, love, and submachine guns.
And cargo hooks.
Alright, is anyone looking? Okay, here we go.
*Tarzan yell*
Oh come on! Why'd you have to spoil the moment?! URG!
YOU GUYS HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR ART!
CRITIC!
You know, we're the ones who invented teleporters...I think
the least you could do is show a little appreciation around here!
I'd hate to say it, but with all these sentry guns and laser trip wires,
I can't shake the feeling that I'm going the wrong way again.
I mean, let's face it, you don't put turret guns in the visitor center, or the labs,
or any other place you want people to stay alive.
Isn't that the point of hiring security guards?
They're smart enough to know not to shoot everyone?
The crazy thing is, I may have been doing the right thing all along.
That turret gun must have mowed down that soldier. I would have been waiting for a rescue team that wasn't going to make it.
Woah! This is slick. It's like there's oil mixed in or something. Uhhh!
Oh, oh, NICE. Have an empty elevator shaft for me to slide my ass into after hopping over another trip wire. That's great.
Oh, I see that was just ONE STAGE of trying to kill me.
-Scientist 1: Hello there. -Uh, HI. Little busy here. Don't try to HELP me or anything. Nobody does that.
-Scientist 1: I'll stay here. -You do that!
God, you two are creeping me out! "Come play with us, Gordon….forever, and ever, and ever…."
-Scientist 2: Do you know who ate all the donuts? -The donuts….? NO! I've got more important things on my mind.
Okay, this is weird. I'm gonna need a minute to think about this.
-Scientist 1: Fascinating! I never suspected such things could be. -Quit staring at me!
Yeah, you!