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Useless Advice

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This game is simple. You present a problem, someone responds with nonsensical/worthless advice, then they present a new problem. Rinse and repeat till we discover the meaning of life. Keep in mind the advice doesn't actually have to answer the problem. It just has to be advice of some kind.

 

I'll start:

 

Bigfoot tore my penis off while I was pissing on the side of the road. What should I do?

I love you, yet can't stand to know you exist.

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Find a twig of relative size to your lost penis, place it gently in the hole left from where you got your dick ripped off.

 

Insta-forever boner.

 

 

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up

"It's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because they're no longer relevant...Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs."

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Tear out the floor be it carpet, wood, or tile and lay it on yourself. After 45 minutes, if the toys from Toy Story still haven't come, you're doing it wrong.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Kaweebo/

 

"There are no good reasons. Only legal ones."

 

VALVE: "Sometimes bugs take more than eighteen years to fix."

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Since Pinkie Pie doesn't play by the rules, here's a new problem.

 

The penis that Bigfoot tore off of me was covered with warts. They spread to Bigfoot and now everything in the forest is covered with warts. How do I fix that?

I love you, yet can't stand to know you exist.

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Burn the forest down.

 

I left my grandma in the center of said forest in a house made of gasoline balloons, what do?

"It's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because they're no longer relevant...Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs."

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well, obviously you have to pop the balloons, take the gasoline and transfer it to smoke with a breakthrough in science also known as a Zippo lighter. then you have to lie on your alibi afterwords.

 

people! someone has hacked into my computer! help!

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Stop having your password be "password" and come up with something more creative!

 

 

Help! My car has a flat and I have no spare tire, what do i do?!

Quote

"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Find A LOT of beacon, wrap it around your car wheel = profit

 

Halp, my shoelaces are untied.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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simple! get the Norse monkey god to stick his finger down your throat to get rid of your cookies, then visit a farm, pay a farmer $300 to buy a calf, then raise it. BOOM! infinite milk! you mad grocery stores?

 

i almost forgot to post a question! any advice so i remember?

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hire a tattoo artist, and while having your friends hold open your eyelids, tattoo the reminder on the inside of them. that way, all you have to do is close your eyes and look at something bright for the reminder!

 

My hair is always tangled. WHAT DO?

Retired Forum Moderator

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this one will take a bit more work than usual..cut your hair off so you're completely bald, then buy a wig the exact length and color as your hair, then comb it every night.

 

any ideas for my sister's birthday present?

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Grab a slice of bacon, and eat it, let the epicness of the baconhh wash the worries away.

 

 

 

Help! I'm out of bacon! what do I do?

Quote

"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Quick! use the fire to make s'mores!

 

 

Oh shit! I accidentally killed my neighbor with rat poison! what do I do so I don't go to jail?

Quote

"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Take the body and place it outside the police station making it look homeless, the police won't pay any attention to it.

 

My bank account ran out of money and I might get my 747 repoed, what do I do?

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