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Sharpen your pencil, refill your pen and get some more paper for when it comes back from the bathroom.

 

Help, I'm a rock!

I USED TO DREAM ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR

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No worries, I'm a piece of paper. Don't worry about my friend over there, he is just a pair scissors.

 

Last night Ross appeared at my bedroom window and demanded I let him in? Should I be concerned?

When close friends speak ill of close friends

they pass their abuse from ear to ear

in dying whispers -

even now, when prayers are no longer prayed.

What sounds like violent coughing

turns out to be laughter.

Shuntarō Tanikawa

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Help, I'm a rock!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svdrAHn_LGo

 

OT:

Last night Ross appeared at my bedroom window and demanded I let him in? Should I be concerned?

 

If he addressed himself as Captain Gordon Freeman of the International House of Pancakes, then that's not really Ross, you're just being paranoid.

 

I can't think straight.

Welp, now what?

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^And that, is why you're a wonderful man, AP <3

 

OT: Try thinking diagonally.

 

----

 

Help! I have no face!

I USED TO DREAM ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR

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Draw one with a sharpie

 

 

My computer keeps on shutting down when playing games, what do?

Quote

"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Pour coffee into the USB ports to alleviate the computer's tiredness.

 

I've lost my left foot for the nineteenth time, and hiding the cadavers I get my replacement from is going to be more difficult now that my new roommate is a member of the Foot Police.

I see everything.

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Try switching to hands. Learning to walk on your hands is an easy skill to pick up, and with the rivalry between the Hand Police and the Foot Police your new roommate might even help you acquire some!

 

I have to translate a long text, but it's really boring!

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Try inventing new and funny words and add them to the translation! the wackier the words, the more points you get!

 

I just lost the bank savings of my entire family!

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Don't worry, just make some new ones from your navel lint. It's worth the same. (a comment on the worth of money, especially to a bank, not on the savings)

 

I need to be not bored, but I am bored... Unfortunately 'scaring' me would be boring as well... Help?

Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

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Don't worry. I'm five minutes away from your house and I'm prepared to alleviate your boredom by reading a 3,652 page document regarding the EU's ambassadorial parking policies. In fact, I insist you let me in.

 

I want to start an Anarcho-Naturist extremist revolutionary party, but I don't like camping and I'm afraid of getting hurt. What should I do?

When close friends speak ill of close friends

they pass their abuse from ear to ear

in dying whispers -

even now, when prayers are no longer prayed.

What sounds like violent coughing

turns out to be laughter.

Shuntarō Tanikawa

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Spread word about the concept. Eventually, it'll reach someone who meets those requirements, and bingo. You'll be the anonymous sower of the revolutionary seed. The ensuing riots, and accidental nuclear explosion will be on your shoulders.

 

Help, there's a face in my mirror!

I USED TO DREAM ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR

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See that face? Give it something to think about. Colour faces onto paper plates and stick them all around the area behind you. Now make a silly face in the mirror. Which face is the face? Only you know, and all the other faces will be intimidated by this. You have now established dominance over Face Place.

 

There's a RED Spy in the base!

I see everything.

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Just take your palate and remove the first 'a'... Voilà! A new plate!

 

I need something to do, but I don't want to do anything... What should I not do?

Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

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Respirate. It's so easy, you could do it in your sleep! :3

 

I want a pet cat but I'm terribly allergic to cat hair, how do I resolve this dilemma?

When close friends speak ill of close friends

they pass their abuse from ear to ear

in dying whispers -

even now, when prayers are no longer prayed.

What sounds like violent coughing

turns out to be laughter.

Shuntarō Tanikawa

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Genetically modify the cat to give it Alopecia. You may live on the run from PETA though.

 

Help, my bed is too comfy!

I USED TO DREAM ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR

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Add some sharp spikes to it, that'll help.

 

 

Help! I think they're asleep, but I'm not sure! They haven't gotten out of their bed since last night, I've been hungry sense last night, and they usually make me food, and oh great, now I'm hearing sirens! What do I do?!

Quote

"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Quickly, stab them with Epi-pens to wake them up! Once they're awake, arm them with cooking utensils and firearms. That way they can still cook you breakfast while engaging in the standoff with the police.

 

Oh no! There is a 7 foot tall monster with a chainsaw and a sack of grenades groaning and pacing around in my backyard!

I see everything.

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Why are you so worried? Haven't you heard about Frank? He likes to look intimidating, but he's really just a mellow fellow... He's always good for a couple beers and a nice conversation.

 

I'm hungry... Why?

Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

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