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Eat some chocolate, like the good ol kitty mo cat you are.

 

 

Halp! I have some weird family issues. Turns out my father isn't dead, but alive, and he wants to kill me. I also think my sister has a thing for me, because she gave me a big ol kiss on the lips on the other day. It didn't feel like a brother-sister kind of kiss either. Also, I kinda liked it too, what do?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Good news: You were adopted! So feel free to make out with her. Oh, and don't worry, your dad isn't trying to kill you, that's just your adoptive parent.

 

Help, I'm a cat and just ate an entire box of chocolates, so now I'm sick!

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Have you tried not being a cat?

 

Halp! My friends aren't acting like their usual selves! Like they've swapped jobs and identities, and acting like they've always been that way. For example, one's usually a vet, but today, she's acting like a clown, trying to entertain everyone, when that's another friend's job, who's now at the farm of another friend, who's busy making dresses! What do I do?!

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Drown your problems, whether metaphorical or literal, with hard liquor.

 

I'm studying Norwegian and it's going good enough, but I also have other responsibilities on top of a German course. How do I go about solving this?

This random YouTuber is getting laid with random hot dudes, and is basically the worst person in existence. Why? Just watch the free video.

Red and yellow do go together.

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Stop studying Norwegian, it's useless.

 

Help! Me and a friend have been experimented on, and he's in a coma! I also feel light headed, but we're on the run now. However, the military's after us, I can't do much, because I'm carrying my best friend. I'm thinking of going to my hometown, is this a good idea?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Go get on a cruise ship.

 

I'm having troubles with my mouse's left mouse button.It's not working!

"FUCK YOU REALITY!!YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!!!"

"Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl!"

http://myanimelist.net/profile/MantisDude

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Threaten to kill it if it continues to disobey you.

 

 

Help! I've ran out of issues, wut do?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Go find a comic book store.

 

I'm running out of sleeping pills! Wat do?!

"FUCK YOU REALITY!!YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!!!"

"Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl!"

http://myanimelist.net/profile/MantisDude

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Chloroform and a handkerchief is your new best friend.

 

 

Help, there's no comic book stores near me, wut do?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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In that case, all you need to do is sacrifice your first born child to the forgotten god Milu, and then physically e-mail a grilled cheese sandwich to Freddie Williams. Then you will be put on a list of applicants, and further instructions will follow.

 

I need money, but I have none!

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Learn how to mass produce cat nip, and sell them to your fellow alley cats

 

Help! I'm being swarmed by customers, what do!?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Lock the shop doors to keep out your customers.

 

My wind-up talking machine has a busted mainspring, but I have no idea how to properly get into the engine in order to fix it, and I'm afraid to break it. How should I proceed?

There are four lights!

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Well, Step 1) Turn it off. Step 2) Unscrew the nails and remove the batteries. Step 3) Replace the spring. Step 4) ?? and Step 5) Profit.

 

Anti-Communist advice:

 

You can not be a Communist and Honest, because then you aren't Intelligent

You can not be a Communist and Intelligent, because then you aren't Honest, and are a Dictator

You can not be Intelligent and Honest, because then you wouldn't be a Communist.

 

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine, tuo da Glorium

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Well, Step 1) Turn it off. Step 2) Unscrew the nails and remove the batteries. Step 3) Replace the spring. Step 4) ?? and Step 5) Profit.

 

Anti-Communist advice:

 

You can not be a Communist and Honest, because then you aren't Intelligent

You can not be a Communist and Intelligent, because then you aren't Honest, and are a Dictator

You can not be Intelligent and Honest, because then you wouldn't be a Communist.

u9UdsSuNEmE

 

OT:I can't find my ice cream cake!

"FUCK YOU REALITY!!YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!!!"

"Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl!"

http://myanimelist.net/profile/MantisDude

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Become fat, fat people always have ice cream cake.

 

Halp! I'm trying to lose weight, but nothing's working. Not even chainsaw to legs is working! What do?

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Remove 200 pounds of ugly fat by cutting off ones head.

 

I need to manage my steam wallet for the upcoming christmas summer sale. What should I do?

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine, tuo da Glorium

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Spend all of your money on didgeridoos, then you won't be able to waste money on games.

 

Help! Theres an Eastern Brown Snake in my house! How should I remove it?

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With your hands. As long as you don't hurt the snake.

 

Help me: some dickhead tampered with my ride when I was trying to get #15 on the blacklist so he could steal my BMW m3 GTR. What should I do?

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine, tuo da Glorium

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Use your mom's credit card to buy a better one via microtransactions!

 

 

Halp! How do I get over this tall block in Cuphead?! Here's footage of me stuck

 

AmusingQualifiedJabiru-size_restricted.gif

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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Dude, I don't think it's possible. Didn't you know it's "The Dark Souls of Platforming"?

(please help they have my family they're gonna kil-)

 

I had to disengage the Polarity Field in order to stop a super criminal from escaping Deep Space 9

How do I fix it?

Non Nobis Domine, Non Nobis, Sed Nomine, tuo da Glorium

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