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"Uh...what? Who puts a warning sign...IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT YOU'RE WARNING ME TO STAY AWAY FROM?! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A MINEFIELD?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Whoa...uh...maybe...maaayybe I shouldn't be freakin' out like this. I just realized I'm in a MINEFIELD. You're usually more vulnerable to this stuff AFTER you know it's there. Alright, alright, let's assess the situation...

 

I'm in the middle of a minefield out in the New Mexican desert, with the army sending helicopters after me and aliens who want to kill me teleporting in......*sigh*"

-

Wheatly shows up out of nowhere.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Kaweebo/

 

"There are no good reasons. Only legal ones."

 

VALVE: "Sometimes bugs take more than eighteen years to fix."

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HOLY FUCK. Is- is that the thing Luke SKYWALKER killed. God DAMMIT! I find blast doors all over this complex, and the second I actually NEED one to crush this thing, there are none. That is FUCKING FANTASTIC! Wait, can I shoot it. *shoots at it* Oh, fuck. Wrong answer! run, run, run, run, run, run!

 

(I really wanted to do the Pinkie Pie Launcher response)

 

What the hell is this. It looks like some sort of rocket launcher. Is- is that a PONY inside?! I mean, I'm not one for animal cruelty, but let's see what this thing does.

*fires it*

OH MY GOD! That thing just blew a 20 foot hole... in a BLAST DOOR! Did it seriously just explode TWICE?! How is that even physically possi- wait, there's a warning label on the side. "Screw physics, I'm Pinkie Pie." Oh shit, tell me there's more ammo for this thing!

 

 

 

He refuses the G Man's offer at the end of the game.

Life is just a time trial; it's all about how many happy points you can earn in a set period of time

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Whoa, holy shit, that's good! *Gulp gulp gulp* Damn! That's better than...well anything! It's like...Kool-aid or something, but still different. Man, I feel good too! Hell, I feel better now than I did before all this shit started. It's too bad I don't have a barrel or something. If I could figure out how to make that stuff I'd make enough money to BUY a pardon. Well, forget it, all good things come to an end. Guess I'll have to stick to opening a grappling hook company.

 

-

 

His reaction when he sees the Apache while scaling the cliff on Surface Tension.

"I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London." - Wernher von Braun

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Are you- no, this not GOOD! I mean, REALLY? Is this how important I am, that they have to send in the friggin' Air Force to kill me. Oh, shit. I am SO screwed right now. And the second I need to get back underground, there's no tunnels or entrances anywhere to be seen. FUCK!

 

Nihilanth starts talking to him through telepathy.

Life is just a time trial; it's all about how many happy points you can earn in a set period of time

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ARGH! IT'S IN MY HEAD! Rubber ducky you're the one. Makes bath time tons of fun.

 

Derails a tram.

They call me Snake. They call me Es Rake. They call me Srahkay. That's nahmaname. That's nahmaname. That's not my... name.

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GODDAMN!!! this tram sucks...must have been the work of the guy who made those catwalks..he's on the list

 

If he gets a face-hugger on his face

This is the end of the line, and I'll rip you apart for what's inside.

Compensating wealth for what's more and more worthlessness.

The end of fear, the end of your life, I'll kill you right now, fucking die.

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*muffled screams, slowly getting softer, slumps to the floor, arms waving less and less...then stops*

 

*hours later*

 

*ZOMBIE GRODON FRMAHN*

 

If he gets teleported to Ponyville.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Kaweebo/

 

"There are no good reasons. Only legal ones."

 

VALVE: "Sometimes bugs take more than eighteen years to fix."

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WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT IS THIS?! AM I FUCKING HIGH?! OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS IN THAT ALIEN LIQUID? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? AM I DYING? WHY DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A CARTOON! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

 

*Nervous breakdown ensues*

 

-

 

Finds the gluon gun

 

Hardmode: No references to ghost busters!

"I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London." - Wernher von Braun

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*Nervous breakdown ensues*

He'd fit right into Ponyville with that attitude.

 

Holy shit! Is that a jet pack!?! *picks up Gluon Gun* Oh, it's just a gun. What kind of ammo does this use... Uranium-232? That sounds fucking safe. Well I don't have any of that. I never picked up any when I had the chance and if I get another change I don't really want to carry it around with me... Oh wait there's already some Uranium in it! What does this thing do anyways? *fires it* HOLY FUCK! *immediately unstraps it and throws it on the ground* WHY WOULD WE NEED THAT!? Uhh, maybe I shouldn't have thrown that on the ground. If that had blown up the army wouldn't even need to bomb this hell hole. AND I want it to burn! ...Just not with me in it.

 

If he found Barney somewhere in the facility

They call me Snake. They call me Es Rake. They call me Srahkay. That's nahmaname. That's nahmaname. That's not my... name.

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Barney: "Hey Gordon! Ohh man am I glad to see yo-"*gets shot*

Gordon: "Everyones trying to act like they're my best friend. I see right past all of you. It just gets easier each time y'know! Might want to actually attack next time instead of all this buddy-buddy bullcrap!"

 

-

 

If he actually found a grappling hook?

http://steamcommunity.com/id/Kaweebo/

 

"There are no good reasons. Only legal ones."

 

VALVE: "Sometimes bugs take more than eighteen years to fix."

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Oh my god!! ( gets a spike in the chest) ( blood fills his lungs his death crise are this) xydydoydyxhxbfoydiwurqtyslhcifpuditsiysljfigludidljflhsjtshfmgayirfyksrjztiaijfkgzitalujxkgskyriflififididkrjwyuwofnayvdjegairevjdx

Dahlfjdkfkcdhjavngsfhnx

Dead

 

 

 

He is telliported to are world and meats Ross skot

non-euclidean fuck machine

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Oh shit! What was that?! I've had enough insane green flashy moments today. I swear, its like this is all an elaborate test to see if they can induce epilepsy under intense stress, WELL IT WON'T WORK ON ME! I HAVE PERFECT VISION! I SEE EVERYTHING! wait, no that has nothing to do with epilepsy, what am I doing? Where am I? This doesn't look all that different from any of the other offices, maybe a little different since there's no blood or dead bodies or something trying to kill and eat me.....but I don't know...something just seems....off. Are the aliens redecorating? Hmm...Hey! wait! who are you? You seem awfully familiar...OH SHIT! It's me! How could I not recognize someone so awesome? I must be in some alternate universe. I've seen enough movies to know that this can't be good, I could erase myself from like all of time if I play this wrong. That was a sweet car, wish I had one of those...bet the FAA would never let me fly it around though...

 

-

 

The HEV Suit battery dies and he cant move

"That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any breach of morality."

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*Cigar-chomping General voice* Hup, yeah. you uh put a baby in a gun and fire it ,brilliant! Baby Cannon, works every time. Make it armor piercing.

 

-

 

He somehow walked a giant circle and ends up back in Sector C

"That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any breach of morality."

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In all honestly I think he'd just commit suicide.

 

Gets stuck in one of the pipes in Surface Tension (Where the soldiers are dug in).

"I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London." - Wernher von Braun

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"Well, let's assess the situation here...I'm stuck in a pipe, and the marines are trying to kill me." *Long pause"

 

"I am SO screwed right now."

 

"Well, worst case scenario I can just wait till they get close and then detonate a satchel charge...which would also kill me. Fuck. I DON'T WANT TO BE A SUICIDE BOMBER! I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS! OH. YOU GOING TO SHOOT AT ME ANYWAY? FINE! HAVE A GRENADE!" *throws grenade* *BOOM* "Oh, well that sure made you quiet down, huh? Oh, wait, you're dead. Well that works."

 

He discovers that he can call on airstrikes.

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