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Tom: "How do you put an elephant under a drive way?"

Bob: "Uh... how?"

Tom: "First take the "r" out of "drive" and what do you get?"

Bob: "Dive"

Tom: "O.K. now take the "f" out of "way" and what do you get?"

Bob: "There's no "f" in "way"!"

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"We don't call them loot boxes", they're 'surprise mechanics'" - EA

 

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Retired Forum Moderator

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A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!".

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?

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-Two blonds walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it!

 

-What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino? http://xkcd.com/28/

 

-A baby seal walks into a club.

I have the perfect comeback. A Spaz-12.

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noone has done a chuck norris fact yet D:

well, this is a joke thread and THOSE are facts so i guess it doesn't belong

This is a joke thread, not a thread for overused memes.

R.I.P Stephen "Anti-Social Fatman" Bray

 

"In the meantime, the sun will be rising. You will know all, and I will not feel this dread any longer."

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Barack Obama.

 

George Bush's second term.

 

Please refrain from posting any political jokes that may entice arguments.

Edited by Guest (see edit history)

I don't like writer's block, I prefer to call it writer's parry.

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A man decides to go for camping at a mountain all by himself, so he hastily prepares his things and drives off. When he reaches the mountain and gets off his car, he notices black clouds near and, in no time, a blizzard breaks out. Confused and cold, the man wanders around untill he sees a small shack. He knocks on the door and an old man answers. The man says: "Greetings sir, could you please let me in? Im aufully cold and if i stay out longer I'll surely die.". The old man replies: "Sure, you can come in, but in one condition, you must not sleep with my daughter, or I shall apply the three chinese tortures upon you." The man agrees, and walks inside the shack. There, he notices the old man's daughter. The girl is so beautiful that he already feels the urge to make love to her. As if that wasn't enough, the girl lustily gazes at him. So at nighttime he goes to her room and makes love to her. At morning now, he wakes up and sees a big rock layed on his chest. He looks around confused and sees a note stuck on the wall beside the bed that writes: "Torture #1: rock on chest" the man laughs, picks up the rock and throws it out of the window. Then, he says to himself: "If all the tortures are like this, I might even marry the girl!" As he tries to walk away he sees a note above the window that writes: "Torture #2: Left testicle tied on rock". He instantly jumps out of the window thinking "Some broken bones are better than a ripped testicle.". Then, as he falls along with the rock he notices a note stuck at it. "Right testicle tied at bed."

Maximum fuck about to be given in 3... 2... 1...

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Barack Obama.
George Bush's second term.

Both true...

 

 

Please refrain from posting any political jokes that may entice arguments.

Why? Isn't that about the only thing that's interesting about politics, the arguments about the true jokes?

Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

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Barack Obama.
George Bush's second term.

Both true...

 

 

Please refrain from posting any political jokes that may entice arguments.

Why? Isn't that about the only thing that's interesting about politics, the arguments about the true jokes?

 

Maybe. I just don't wan't this thread to derail. We're here to tell jokes, not rip each other's throats out.

I don't like writer's block, I prefer to call it writer's parry.

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Maybe. I just don't wan't this thread to derail. We're here to tell jokes, not rip each other's throats out.

You're the only one taking it off topic right now...

 

 

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

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-A baby seal walks into a club.

Arg you're horrible. XD

It's funny because only adult seals are allowed in clubs.

 

Anyway...

 

There once was a man named Rick,

Who tripped and fell on a stick.

As he falls

It rips off his balls

And now he has only a dick.

 

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who's foot got stuck in a bucket

He'd struggle and fight

But the bucket held tight

And in the end he said "Fuck it."

I have the perfect comeback. A Spaz-12.

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