BTGBullseye

Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ?? cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading down the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse and call the baker for delivery.

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Client Confusion

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place.

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful conversation with that woman."

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Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much to him, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf.... so if that's a problem, you'd better say so right now".

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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Miss America

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,

"Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student said, "She'd be way too old."

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Shopping With Gramma

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."

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Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find dad staring at him every time. ;

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.'

I didn't flee, I wandered until I got lost, and now I've found my way back in.

Fancy way of saying you fled, and are now checking to see if we removed the lasers...

Fortunately that topic will make just as much sense as this one does.

Would people here play a forum roleplaying game?

64-bit... It's the way of the future.

1972 Zenith Allegro sound system or some other equivalent priced speaker set?

Coming to me in the morning, leaving me at night

Coming to me in the morning, leaving me alone

You've got that rainbow feel,

But the rainbow has a beard

Running to me a-cryin', when he throws you out

Running to me a-cryin', on your own again

You've got that pure feel

Such good responses

But the picture has a mustache

You're comin' to me with that soulful look on your face

Coming lookin' like you've never ever done one wrong thing

You're comin' to me with that soulful look on your face

You're comin' lookin' like you've never ever done one wrong thing

So many fantastic colours, I feel in a wonderland

Many fantastic colours, makes me feel so good

You've got that pure feel

Such good responses

Got that rainbow feel

But the rainbow has a beard

SWLABR (She Walks Like A Bearded Rainbow) - Cream

Reading/posting on the forums, and then heading to bed...

No, I'm saying that it goes against reality.

Oh, so you're omniscient then?

 

Nope. But, like werewolves, unless you have evidence....

What do werewolves have to do with anything? You're claiming that it goes against reality, but you have yet to prove that reality conforms to your idea of it.

That is a negative. See the word "not"?

So? You have to prove that it's impossible for it to occur, or you have no supporting evidence for that aspect of your theory.

 

No. I did not make a claim. I made a disclaim. The burden of proof lies on the claimant, not the disclaimant.

You made the claim that it was impossible. No different of a claim than claiming that something is possible. Burden of proof is on those that wish to disprove something. So prove that it is impossible.

I have already proved evolution. It is a fact. Plain and simple. And I can prove it again and again and again.

 

You want evidence of evolution? Look in a mirror.

You want to see what a transitional species looks like? Look in a mirror.

Already told you, that is inaccurate. Prove that that is a valid reference.

Adaptation is the way evolution happens. Without adaptation, evolution could not happen. With adaptations of adaptations of adaptation, evolution happens.

Adaptation is proven, Evolution a theory that multiple adaptations might produce another species if the adaptations are permanent... They rarely (if ever) are permanent.

That's just reality. Like heat conductivity, gravity, and germs, evolution exists. Now, teach it in science class.

You still haven't proven it.

Next up: More excuses why no evidence is going to be provided for creationism.

Bible, 6000 years of history stored there. The most resourced book in history. Contains more history facts for the covered eras supported by outside documents than any other book.

Disprove the Bible, (not just a small little verse/book or two) and you might have the start of an anti-creation argument.

Yes please.

1972 Zenith Allegro sound system or some other equivalent priced speaker set?

Did you know I never posted anything to the contrary?

What would give YOU the right to expel a "governmentalist"? Isn't that a form of government?

I didn't say I'd use any military forces, I said I'd do it personally. Retains the Anarchy.

But well, gotta keep being optimistic, ey?

Yes, I continue to hold out the hope that people who don't understand things like math and economics and basic human behavior will someday not be put in charge of nations.

Quite...

Fortunately I am not close enough to you for you to be able to borrow my welding bandanna.

No, I'm saying that it goes against reality.

Oh, so you're omniscient then?

That is a negative. See the word "not"?

So? You have to prove that it's impossible for it to occur, or you have no supporting evidence for that aspect of your theory.

good time to start practicing, no?

Agreed... No.

Maybe I should do a small private server for us, I have a high-bandwidth cable internet connection. I'd be hosting it from southern Colorado, but I get pings to the other side of the planet of less than 300...

My GotY box says "M", and all the Wikis say "M"...

Godzilla... He eats cities, and doesn't bother stealing our women...

Coke or Dew?

So Doom, do you want me to try and see if I can make something interesting?

Fortunately I won't hold that against you.

A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!".

Right now I'm trying to determine if I can bypass the government internet blocks when I get to JobCorps...

Did you know that Weird Al is weird?

Are "The Bobs" conventional?

Their version of "Purple Haze"

Particle Man

I love my homemade pizzas...