Useless Advice

[Psychotic Ninja]

Eat some chocolate, like the good ol kitty mo cat you are.

 

 

Halp! I have some weird family issues. Turns out my father isn't dead, but alive, and he wants to kill me. I also think my sister has a thing for me, because she gave me a big ol kiss on the lips on the other day. It didn't feel like a brother-sister kind of kiss either. Also, I kinda liked it too, what do?

[Reverend_UshankaCat_]

Good news: You were adopted! So feel free to make out with her. Oh, and don't worry, your dad isn't trying to kill you, that's just your adoptive parent.

 

Help, I'm a cat and just ate an entire box of chocolates, so now I'm sick!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Have you tried not being a cat?

 

Halp! My friends aren't acting like their usual selves! Like they've swapped jobs and identities, and acting like they've always been that way. For example, one's usually a vet, but today, she's acting like a clown, trying to entertain everyone, when that's another friend's job, who's now at the farm of another friend, who's busy making dresses! What do I do?!

[longliveprose]

Drown your problems, whether metaphorical or literal, with hard liquor.

 

I'm studying Norwegian and it's going good enough, but I also have other responsibilities on top of a German course. How do I go about solving this?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Stop studying Norwegian, it's useless.

 

Help! Me and a friend have been experimented on, and he's in a coma! I also feel light headed, but we're on the run now. However, the military's after us, I can't do much, because I'm carrying my best friend. I'm thinking of going to my hometown, is this a good idea?

[Zaraki]

Go get on a cruise ship.

 

I'm having troubles with my mouse's left mouse button.It's not working!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Threaten to kill it if it continues to disobey you.

 

 

Help! I've ran out of issues, wut do?

[Zaraki]

Go find a comic book store.

 

I'm running out of sleeping pills! Wat do?!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Chloroform and a handkerchief is your new best friend.

 

 

Help, there's no comic book stores near me, wut do?

[Reverend_UshankaCat_]

In that case, all you need to do is sacrifice your first born child to the forgotten god Milu, and then physically e-mail a grilled cheese sandwich to Freddie Williams. Then you will be put on a list of applicants, and further instructions will follow.

 

I need money, but I have none!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Learn how to mass produce cat nip, and sell them to your fellow alley cats

 

Help! I'm being swarmed by customers, what do!?

[Spagelo]

Lock the shop doors to keep out your customers.

 

My wind-up talking machine has a busted mainspring, but I have no idea how to properly get into the engine in order to fix it, and I'm afraid to break it. How should I proceed?

[Selous Templar]

Well, Step 1) Turn it off. Step 2) Unscrew the nails and remove the batteries. Step 3) Replace the spring. Step 4) ?? and Step 5) Profit.

 

Anti-Communist advice:

 

You can not be a Communist and Honest, because then you aren't Intelligent

You can not be a Communist and Intelligent, because then you aren't Honest, and are a Dictator

You can not be Intelligent and Honest, because then you wouldn't be a Communist.

 

[Zaraki]

Well, Step 1) Turn it off. Step 2) Unscrew the nails and remove the batteries. Step 3) Replace the spring. Step 4) ?? and Step 5) Profit.

 

Anti-Communist advice:

 

You can not be a Communist and Honest, because then you aren't Intelligent

You can not be a Communist and Intelligent, because then you aren't Honest, and are a Dictator

You can not be Intelligent and Honest, because then you wouldn't be a Communist.

u9UdsSuNEmE

 

OT:I can't find my ice cream cake!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Become fat, fat people always have ice cream cake.

 

Halp! I'm trying to lose weight, but nothing's working. Not even chainsaw to legs is working! What do?

[Selous Templar]

Remove 200 pounds of ugly fat by cutting off ones head.

 

I need to manage my steam wallet for the upcoming christmas summer sale. What should I do?

[HGARR]

Spend all of your money on didgeridoos, then you won't be able to waste money on games.

 

Help! Theres an Eastern Brown Snake in my house! How should I remove it?

[Selous Templar]

With your hands. As long as you don't hurt the snake.

 

Help me: some dickhead tampered with my ride when I was trying to get #15 on the blacklist so he could steal my BMW m3 GTR. What should I do?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Use your mom's credit card to buy a better one via microtransactions!

 

 

Halp! How do I get over this tall block in Cuphead?! Here's footage of me stuck

 

[Selous Templar]

Dude, I don't think it's possible. Didn't you know it's "The Dark Souls of Platforming"?

(please help they have my family they're gonna kil-)

 

I had to disengage the Polarity Field in order to stop a super criminal from escaping Deep Space 9

How do I fix it?