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*[THE DEFINITIVE RULES OF 80's ACTION MOVIES]*

 

*(0)* It *MUST* be directed by Cannon Films and nobody the fuck else.

*(1)* Politely wait your turn to die.

*(2)* HOLY FUCK IT'S GODDAMN LASERS!!

*(3)* Unless your name is Jessie "The Body" Ventura, to wield a Minigun, you must scream your everloving nuts off.

*(4)* ... Wrong!

*(5)* Behind every door, there is a Burt Fucking Reynolds!

*(6)* Every Shuriken thrown hits its target with pinpoint accuracy.

*(7)* NEVER bring a knife to a gun fight.

*(8)* NEVER bring a weapon of any description to a fight with Charles Bronson, if you want to escape with at least half your testicles intact.

*(9)* To be related to Charles Bronson is to mean Certain *DEATH!*

*(10)* To be friends with Chuck Norris is to mean Certain *DEATH!*

*(11)* To be a partner of Dirty Harry is to mean Certain *DEATH!*

*(12)* Every object, no matter how inconspicuous or vague, up to and including a belt buckle, may in fact be, a fucking Ninja Star.

*(13)* Save the best scene for last.

*(14)* In the beginning, middle, and/or end of the film, there must be an 80's Montage set to a Synth track.

*(15)* Chuck Norris's Kevlar Beard is also the source of his power.

*(16)* If Jean Claude Van Dame's hand is starting to reach for his belt-line, his pants have already come off.

*(17)* Always phrase your answer in the form of a question.

*(18)* Every one liner MUST be followed by a Key-taur riff.

*(19)* 3/4ths mark must have Main character in mortal danger to help conjure up a false sense of drama.

*(20)* Every man in a brightly coloured shirt must end up dead.

*(21)* NEVER, in a Steven Segal movie, under any circumstance, play Pool.

*(22)* Touching Burt Reynolds's penis is like making eye contact with fucking Medusa.

*(23)* It must have a Soundtrack more heavy metal than the bottom third of the Periodic Table.

*(24)* To fashion the creation of the 80's action hero, you must do one thing: Murder every organic being he's ever had fucking contact with.

*(25)* You can't fight the Ninja forever, but it's the 80's and well, you can goddamn try.

*(26)* Never let the Japanese get the element of surprise.

*(27)* It MUST include someone using the insult "Jive Ass Bastard" else everyone be infected with virginity.

*(28)* All *Real* men apply fuckin Eyeliner!

*(29)* The only thing deadlier than a Ninja, is a Ninja with a fucking hot tub.

*(30)* 80's films don't need thought; they need Ninjas, Tities, and oh hey did I mention a fucking Flamethrower?!

*(31)* All the main villain does by beating up the protagonist is fill up his ultra meter, because this IS Street Fighter bitch!

*(32)* 80's Thug Logic: When you are surrounding an object that you think hides the hero: Fire every weapon, preferably a Sub Machine Gun, you have at it for at least an entire minute.

*(33)* It's a movie, it's the 80's and by GOD, Computers are magic.

*(34)* Naked Boobs. Heavin' Tities. Nuff said.

*(35)* Mad Max will always be a 4 wheeled WESTERN, so Max is the man with no name.

*(36)* At some point, somewhere in the world, at any given time, Jean Claude Van Dame is butt naked.

*(37)* Everything that can explode, will explode because Fuck you it's the 80's. DEAL WITH IT.

EDIT: *(38)* Only a Ninja can stop a Ninja!

 

*Also must include:*

- Badguy with a Moustache

- Chase scene with no purpose except to turn every white-blooded American male from indifferent and in flaccid to attentive and capable of carving a detailed diamond sculpture with his dong

- More Moustaches than a Leather bar in Happy hour/a George Michael pool party

- Main character who is a "Hero" that runs around beating the living shit out of everyone he encounters

- "Hero" having a Leather Jacket, Aviator Glasses, and a burnt match sticking out of his (or her) mouth

- A "Vengeful Exposition Factory" that solely produces Lava, Sparks, and over the top Main Antagonist brutal death scenes which can include exploding the fuck up

- Anima-goddamn-tronics

- It CAN take place within the Great Mullet Massacre of 1900 and 91 if it has

- Steven Segal or Chuck Norris and

- Gina Gershon's magnificent melons

- The fact that we are all a dream within the mullet bedecked mind of Chuck fucking Norris

- Steve Buscemi

- An inspiration to write vapid 80's grunge music

- A clandestine Ninja Smack-ring

- A triad of suspiciously multicultural shitheels

- The words "Snake Plissken wielding an Uzi on a fucking Hang-Glider" in the film script

- Leather Jacket, Sawn-off Shotgun, Omnipresent Automotive Carnage, a Mauser C96, and most importantly, mother fucking *MOTORCYCLES* to be measured on the Scale of 1 to Death Race!!

Edited by Guest

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That list is so spot on it's not even funny, lol

The Jean-Claude-Van-Damme ones always crack me up

Also forgot to include:

 

*(38)* Only a Ninja can stop a Ninja!

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If condition [ Then ]

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[ ElseIf elseifcondition [ Then ]

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I'm not gonna suffer alone.

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Geez. Why are fanboys so damn aggressive. You shouldn't ruin the potential for an upcoming game, just because EA screwed up big time on one of them.

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The opinionated blunt person is often neither a jerk/crazy nor a prick/obnoxious. Instead, he or she suffers from having low emotional intelligence. He or she also suffers unconsciously from “anticipatory pushback” which causes him or her to come off as controlling rather than condescending.

 

Their low emotional intelligence is about their having little awareness of how they’re coming off or about how others are emotionally reacting to them. Often they have the best of intentions to help whoever they’re speaking to and can’t understand why the other person isn’t happy to hear what they have to say.

 

What is operating in them that is out of their awareness (which is why they don’t stop it), are the many past experiences of truly wanting to help someone and having their unsolicited input reacted to as uninvited, unwanted, unvalued, and resented. As a result, before they talk they are already anticipating pushback and rejection from the other person. This causes them to feel resentful before they even say anything and causes their tone to be strident or aggressive.

 

Since these people are often very decent and actually do have the best intentions, it’s important to not react to them as you would to the offensive opinionated know-it-all's above.

 

However, similar to the above two categories of opinionated people, don’t expect them not to act that way. And, as above, when they give you their unsolicited advice, look them in the eye and let them finish. Say to yourself in your head—and you may need to scream it to avert your taking what they say the wrong way—“He or she is not your enemy! He or she is not trying to upset or hurt you! He or she just doesn’t know any better!”

 

Then pause for 2-4 seconds and say, “You want what’s best for me, correct? What you’re saying is really because you care, right? Well then, I need your help with something. When you say what you say the way you say it, it triggers a flashback of people in my life who talked at me like I was stupid or foolish or who even bullied me. It causes me to overreact to hearing you. That makes me unable to realize that you’re actually trying to be helpful.

 

"To prevent my kneejerk and childish reaction, it would help me, and I would appreciate it, if you were to say, ‘I just noticed something, can I say something or make a suggestion?’ Just doing that would go a long way in preventing me from becoming defensive and I am likely to be more receptive to what you say and even do it, since I know you only want what’s best for me. Also it would help if I knew that I could politely tell you that I'd rather not hear.

 

"You may say, ‘Why do I need to walk on eggshells if you’re the one who’s oversensitive?’ And to be honest, I don’t have a good response, other than I think you’ll get me to cooperate and be appreciative if your tone feels more like honey than vinegar to me.”

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