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I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside, tracking Don Ho for twelve years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously I've made some bad decisions on my first day and I've just had to stick with 'em. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just freeballin' it! I started the singing henchman thing out of nervousness, and the candy thing just happened.

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I'm in Munich. Does anyone know how to say "You take my credit card or Trump will make the EU great again" in German?

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

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Tommy: Remember that time that parakeet flew in our window?

Dick: Yes, I remember. A little parakeet...

Tommy: And mom had that milk, that boiling milk on the stove? And you didn't help that parakeet!

Dick: You were closer. Why didn't you help him?

Tommy: And he flew into that boiling milk! And you didn't help him! And I don't like cream of asparakeet! And Mom made me eat it!

Dick: How'd it taste?

Tommy: Tasted like.....cream of asparakeet. Not something you want every night.

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Simon: Um, I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can… how do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?

Mal: Listen, you don’t know me, son, so I’m gonna say this once: if I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.

Simon: Are you always this sentimental?

Mal: I had a good day.

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When you spend an entire day freaking out and worrying because you realized that all this time you were actually asexual but didn't know why the idea of sex never appealed to you and now you have to explain that to your girlfriend and she accepts and understands without even batting an eye.


She's too good to me. <3

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